How to Parent as a Team (Even When You Disagree)

Before becoming a parent, it’s common to have expectations about what parenting with your partner will look like. You might imagine that your differences will balance each other out, or maybe you assume that your similar upbringings and shared values will make for a seamless, connected parenting style.

Then the kids arrive.

And suddenly, you’re not just raising a child, you’re navigating bedtime battles, emotional meltdowns, and wondering how the person you love most somehow became your least favorite teammate during a tantrum. 

Maybe your partner’s parenting style triggers something in you. Maybe you're aligned in some ways but totally off in others.

One thing I hear often from the parents I work with is this:

“IT FEELS LIKE I'M PARENTING BOTH MY CHILD AND MY PARTNER.”

Parenting as a team can feel super solid one day and completely out of sync the next. As a mom, a wife, and a therapist, I get it. It’s messy. And that’s normal.

It’s okay if you sometimes feel your partner is “wrong” in their approach, or even, yes, if you realize you may have chosen an ineffective one yourself. This happens in every single relationship. We all bring different views, expectations, and personal triggers to the table, some of which we didn’t even know existed until we had kids.

So How Do We Handle Those Moments When We Don't See Eye to Eye?

The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict but to learn how to navigate it without losing your minds.

Here are a few ways to parent as a team, even when you disagree:

TALK ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT

Trying to debate bedtime routines while someone is melting down (your child or your partner) is a losing game. Save those conversations for calm moments, you’ll both be more open and less reactive.

REMEMBER YOU'RE ON THE SAME SIDE

It’s easy to slip into “me vs. you,” but the goal is “us vs. the problem.” You’re both trying to raise a decent human, just with different lenses. Lead with curiosity, not criticism.

CREATE A PLAN THAT'S "GOOD ENOUGH"

You won’t always see eye to eye, but you can usually find middle ground. Agree on the big stuff like safety, values, and routines, and give each other space on the smaller things.

And for those of us who lean Type A or highly structured… let’s try really hard to let our partners find their own rhythm, even if it’s not how we would do it.

BACK EACH OTHER UP IN FRONT OF THE KIDS

If you disagree with your partner’s call, talk about it later, not in front of your tiny audience. Kids are incredibly tuned in. When they sense division, it can shake their sense of safety, even if they don’t show it.

VALIDATE AND ADJUST

If one of you is feeling burnt out or unheard, it’s okay to shift the dynamic. Parenting is a long game. Sometimes being a good teammate means stepping up, stepping back, or just bringing your partner a glass of water and saying, “I see you. You’re doing great. I’ve got you.” And remember to return the favor.

Disagreements don’t mean you’re failing as parents, even if it feels that way in the moment. They just mean you’re human. And when you can move through those tough moments with grace, patience, and a little humor, you’re teaching your kids one of the most important lessons of all: how to be in a healthy relationship, with communication, support, and repair.

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If you reside in New Jersey and you and your parnter could use a little boost in co-parenting, contact us for a consultation. I would be honored to support you.

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