[Part 1] When Demands Feel Like Danger

I want to invite you into a very specific parenting experience.

You may recognize this family. In fact, you may be raising this child. If so, I hope this brings you a little clarity. Because these children hold a special place in my heart and are often deeply misunderstood.

This is a child who can feel intense, highly reactive, and easily knocked off kilter. They may interrupt, refuse to do things, control others’ behavior, argue about fairness, or seem defiant.

As a parent, you may feel like you are walking on eggshells. You may find yourself making parenting choices you never imagined (co-sleeping at age ten, Cheetos for dinner because otherwise they won’t eat, screens for hours just to get through the day). 

You may hear yourself saying, “Nothing works,” and feel a wave of frustration, fear, and exhaustion. School may feel impossible. Homework, hygiene, transitions, and everyday expectations may feel like constant battles. You love your child deeply and still feel helpless and alone. 

If this feels familiar, please know:

You are not imagining this.

You are not failing.

And neither is your child.

They may have a nervous system that experiences the world as more threatening than most.

Let’s talk about what that means.

A Peek Inside

There is a part of the brain whose job it is to keep us safe. It is the part that turns on when something feels dangerous. It’s primitive, reacts quickly and automatically, and has essentially kept us alive since the beginning of mankind. It's called the amygdala.

It’s our “smoke detector.” It’s the part of the brain that will activate the fight, flight, or freeze response in emergencies.

Everyone has this system. But what differs from person to person is what the amygdala is most sensitive to.

IMAGINE IF THE THREAT YOUR AMYGDALA WAS HIGHLY ATTUNED TO WAS LOSS OF AUTONOMY OR CONTROL.

Introducing PDA

Some families and professionals use the acronym PDA, which stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance. Others prefer the terms Persistent/Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.

PDA is a profile that describes a nervous system that experiences demands or loss of autonomy as dangerous. Not merely inconvenient or frustrating, but dangerous (like being chased by a wild animal). And since the day is FILLED with demands that the body perceives as loss of autonomy, the amygdala is almost constantly activated.

If that sounds exhausting, you’re right. It is.

And this is why these kids struggle to do things throughout the day, even things they care about, even the things they want to do.

And this is why reasoning, rewards, and consequences often make things worse, because those are more danger signals.

This is why eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene, or even leaving the house can feel impossible.

This isn’t about not wanting to. It’s about literally being unable to because their alarm system is signaling danger.

What PDA is Not

Let’s be very clear, PDA is not a behavior problem.

It is not bad parenting.

It is not manipulation.

It is not laziness.

It is not a lack of discipline.

It is not something you caused.

This is not something your child can separate from themselves or “power through.” It is part of how their body is wired.

Kristy Forbes, a PDA Advocate & Educator and Mother to 4 PDA kids, describes it this way:

“When it comes to PDA, it's not just about avoiding tasks or responsibilities because we don't want to do them. It's about being unable to, no matter how crucial they are.”

And that’s the voice of lived experience.

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Let's Take a Pause Together

If we were in session together, this is where I would invite you to pause and check in with yourself.

Because when we are presented with new information or a shift in perspective, it can bring up a lot of stuff. You might be feeling relieved, confused, unsettled or skeptical, which makes sense.

Awareness can bring clarity. But new ideas can also feel overwhelming.

You might be seeing your child differently, how hard their body has been working for a long time and how much hasn’t been within their control. You might be replaying moments you wish had gone differently. You might be asking yourself, “OK, now what??” Or you might be saying “Sounds like a bunch of excuses!!”

That’s where the pause comes in. Wherever you are, it's ok.

It's ok to not know. It’s ok to have more questions than answers. This is new and we are leaning into this together.

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Ok, So What Counts as a Demand?

Once you understand how sensitive this system is to autonomy, the idea of a “demand” starts to make more sense.

For a child with this kind of nervous system, a demand can be:

A verbal instruction.

A reminder.

An expectation.

A transition.

A time limit.

A visual schedule.

A checklist.

A tone of voice.

A look.

Even their own body signals like needing to use the bathroom or eat.

That’s most of the day! So when you begin to see it this way, you may realize how little space your child’s body has to truly rest.

The Behaviors Other People Judge

In a society that values control and moralizes “good behavior,” this is where parents feel the most self-consciousness.

Your child may interrupt.

Correct you.

Change the rules.

Refuse.

Call you names.

Zone out.

Control play.

Argue about fairness.

Seem manipulative or disrespectful.

Underneath many of these behaviors is something called equalizing (coined by Casey Ehrlich) or equity seeking (coined by Kristy Forbes).

Equalizing is the body’s attempt to restore safety, fairness, and autonomy when power feels out of balance. It might look like disrespect or controlling others, but what it actually is is a nervous system that is trying to restore safety so the body feels okay again. Being one down is dangerous, so it seeks being equal to or one over.

Equalizing explains the behaviors other people judge.

And when you understand that, it becomes a little easier to see the distressed child behind the behaviors.

The Strength of a PDAer

I do not want to present PDA like it's a list of issues. I love these kids and want them to be understood and valued.

Children with this kind of nervous system have many strengths.

They can be deeply compassionate, funny, creative, and sensitive to fairness. They notice hypocrisy. They challenge the status quo. They feel injustice deeply in their bodies.

When they are passionate about something, they are all in.

They also hold a mirror to us so we see how strong our need for control is and, if we let them, they teach us how to let go. That’s so powerful.

If This Feels Like Your Family

You’ve probably been trying to tell people for a long time that something feels different, that the typical strategies don’t work. And you've probably been dismissed or met with judgement or bad advice.

Please know, We SEE you. We BELIEVE you.

If this is resonating, you may also be wondering what to do with this information.

It's complicated and the information is hard to find. PDA is not formally recognized in the most recent version of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5-TR). And the reality is that our world is not set up to support these kids. PDA families need community, understanding and support.

This article was intended to give you a sense of recognition and an introduction to PDA.

In [Part 2] Supporting a PDA Nervous System, we talk about how to support your child, how to advocate when others misunderstand your family, and point you to some established resources.

A QUICK NOTE

This article is meant to offer understanding and perspective, not to diagnose or prescribe treatment. Every child and family is different. If you are feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to support your child, connecting with a qualified professional who understands nervous system differences can be an important next step.

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