[Part 2] Supporting a PDA Nervous System
- Jennifer Weberman, PsyD
- 2 hours ago
- 5 min read
If you haven't read [Part 1] When Demands Feel Like Danger, you may want to start there. We explored what PDA is and what it's not, and introduced the concepts of demands and equalizing. In Part 2, we turn to the question many parents are left asking: "So now what?"
From Compliance to Safety
Once you understand that your child’s nervous system experiences loss of autonomy or inequity as danger, the goal of parenting changes. The focus shifts away from “How do I get my child to…” and towards “How can I help my child feel safe?”
This is not about finding better techniques or following a script. It’s about prioritizing your child’s nervous system so that they can access safety and connection, which then allows growth and recovery.
Accommodation Is an Intervention
One of the most important shifts for families is recognizing that PDA is a disability and disabilities require accommodation.
Think about it this way. If someone uses a wheelchair for mobility, the focus wouldn’t be to get them to give up the wheelchair or learn to use the wheelchair on the stairs; the goal would be to build ramps, elevators, and other means of accessibility. If a student is dyslexic, a school might provide options for audiobooks and speech to text; not rewards and consequences for reading the way non-dyslexic students read.
In other words, disabilities require various accommodations as fundamental human rights.
The same goes for PDA. It might seem like the focus should be on teaching the child a lesson about talking back or forcing them to bathe or just showing them who's boss. But those miss the biology of the disability. Threats, rewards, consequences, lectures, and yelling further activate an already overwhelmed nervous system, increasing dysregulation and distress. What the PDAer needs is accommodation. And the biggest accommodation is reducing demands.
PAUSE FOR A MOMENT WITH ME
If you’re thinking, Ugh low-demand parenting!! That’s a bunch of new age hoohah! In my day..., I know, I know, but hear me out.
Accommodation for a nervous system disability is not permissive parenting.
It is not a lack of boundaries.
And it is not failing to prepare your child for “the real world.”
Accommodation means reducing nervous system activation so a PDA child can experience rest and regulation. It's honoring that child’s disability with dignity and humanity.
In a culture that values control, productivity, and compliance, reducing demands can feel uncomfortable (or dare I say absolutely ridiculous.) It can look like you are not even parenting anymore.
IN REALITY, YOU ARE REMOVING BARRIERS SO YOUR CHILD'S NERVOUS SYSTEM IS NOT IN SURVIVAL MODE ALL DAY LONG.
As Casey Ehrlich of At Peace Parents describes it, parents are almost always doing one of two things: They are either accommodating a PDAer’s nervous system or they are activating it. There is no neutral.
In other words, if we are not accommodating, we are often unintentionally increasing the threat.
Accommodation lowers the volume on the alarm system. It allows the body to stand down. Over time, that rest is what makes regulation, learning, and independence possible.
Lowering Demands with Integrity
Lowering demands is not a formula. (I wish it were! It would be easier to figure out.)
What works for one family will look different for another. But with a developing awareness of how easily autonomy can be threatened, you can find what demands need to be lowered in your home.
In one home it might look like skipping homework, not showering daily, not doing chores around the house, and more screen time than you ever thought you would give.
In another home, it might mean giving your child Cheetos with every meal (because otherwise they don’t eat), co-sleeping, and homeschooling (because traditional schooling was something to survive).
Lowering demands is about letting go of society’s expectations of what parenting is supposed to look like and tuning into what your PDAer needs to feel safe.
Co-Regulation and Language
When a child’s nervous system is activated, they need access to a regulated nervous system in order to settle. Think of our regulation as a port in a storm. Our child seeks and borrows our regulation when their nervous system can’t find their own. Regulation is contagious.
So is dysregulation.
If we are dysregulated, overwhelmed, or focused on getting an outcome, the child’s alarm system stays online. An activated nervous system trying to manage another does not work. This is why connection matters more than control in these moments. Your regulated presence will communicate safety long before specific words do.
When it is time for words, Declarative Language can be very helpful.
Declarative Language is a communication style that focuses on sharing observations, thoughts, and feelings rather than giving direct commands. Think: “Dinner is on the table” versus “Come to the table to eat.”
But, as we talked about, language alone does not create safety. The nervous system reads the intention behind the words—control and danger, or connection and safety.
Collaboration
Collaboration shifts the focus away from control and toward relationship. Instead of relying on rules, enforcement, or power struggles, it centers on trust, safety, and mutual respect.
Practically, this means slowing down enough to understand what is getting in the way for your child, naming challenges together, and inviting their input rather than deciding the solution in advance. The goal is not immediate compliance, but shared understanding that reduces pressure.
Collaboration creates space for safety first, knowing that flexibility cannot exist under threat.
Advocacy as Translation
Because most systems are built around compliance and consequences, parents of PDA kids often become translators. It can feel like you’re trying to explain, convince, or defend. This is exhausting, and you’re already exhausted.
Not everyone will understand. And you do not need to convince everyone. However, finding collaborators who are willing to listen, learn, and accommodate is necessary.
To support conversations with schools, pediatricians, and other professionals, I have created two companion PDFs that explain PDA through a nervous-system and accommodation lens. They are designed to help others see what you see and support your child more effectively.
[INSERT PDF DOWNLOADS]
Parenting a child with PDA often means letting go of the parenting story you thought you would have and writing a new one in real time. It requires flexibility, humility, and a willingness to trust what you see in your child, even when others don’t understand it yet.
This work is not about doing less because it is easier. It is about doing what actually helps. And when safety comes first, growth has a chance to follow.
More Resources
For further learning and PDA-affirming perspectives, the following educators and advocates offer valuable insight and lived experience:
A QUICK NOTE
This article is meant to offer understanding and perspective, not to diagnose or prescribe treatment. Every child and family is different. If you are feeling overwhelmed or unsure how to support your child, connecting with a qualified professional who understands nervous system differences can be an important next step.
DISCLAIMER
The information provided on this website, in blog posts, downloads, and any other materials by Transformations Therapy Center is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Accessing or reading this information does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Transformations Therapy Center.
All original content on this site, including text, graphics, logos, images, and downloadable materials, is protected under applicable copyright laws. It is provided to you for personal use. Unauthorized use or sale of this material without express and written permission from Dr. Jennifer Weberman is strictly prohibited.
